"Who's on First?" is a classic comedy sketch by Abbott and Costello.
Here's the transcript for the sketch:
[It doesn't align with the video, perhaps that's a task for another distraction moment.]
Abbott: Well Costello, I'm going to New York with you. You know Bucky Harris, the Yankee's manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as you're on the team.
Costello: Look Abbott, if you're the coach, you must know all the players.
Abbott: I certainly do.
Costello: Well you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team.
Abbott: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ballplayers now-a-days very peculiar names.
Costello: You mean funny names?
Abbott: Strange names, pet names... like Dizzy Dean... and his brother Daffy.
Costello: Dizzy Dean and Daffy Dean...
Abbott: That's right.
Costello: They were polite enough, but even if that Daffy had sense enough to say 'Hello,' Dizzy didn't.
Abbott: That's right.
Costello: Now, we have on the St. Louis team, we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third...
Abbott: That's what I want to find out.
Costello: I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.
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Abbott: Are you the manager?
Costello: Yes.
Abbott: You gonna be the coach too?
Costello: Yes.
Abbott: And you don't know the fellows' names?
Costello: Well I should.
Abbott: Well then who's on first?
Costello: Yes.
Abbott: I mean the fellow's name.
Costello: Who.
Abbott: The guy on first.
Costello: Who.
Abbott: The first baseman.
Costello: Who.
Abbott: The guy playing first.
Costello: Who.
Abbott: The first baseman.
Costello: Who!
Abbott: The guy on first!
Costello: Who is on first!
Abbott: Well, what are you asking me for?
Costello: I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. Who is on first.
Abbott: I'm asking you, who's on first?
Costello: That's the man's name.
Abbott: That's whose name?
Costello: Yes.
Abbott: Well go ahead and tell me.
Costello: Who.
Abbott: The guy on first.
Costello: Who.
Abbott: The first baseman.
Costello: Who.
Abbott: The guy playing first base.
Costello: Who is on first!
Abbott: I'm asking you.
Costello: And that's the name of the first baseman.
Abbott: That's whose name?
Costello: Yes.
Abbott: Well go ahead and tell me.
Costello: Who.
Abbott: The guy on first.
Costello: Who.
Abbott: The first baseman.
Costello: Who.
Abbott: The guy playing first base.
Costello: Who is on first!
Abbott: I'm asking you.
Costello: That's the man's name.
Abbott: That's whose name?
Costello: Yes.
Abbott: Well go ahead and tell me.
Costello: Who.
Abbott: The guy on first.
Costello: Who.
Abbott: The first baseman.
Costello: Who.
Abbott: The guy playing first base.
Costello: Who is on first!
Abbott: I'm asking you.
Costello: That's the man's name.
Abbott: That's whose name?
Costello: Yes.
Abbott: Well go ahead and tell me.
Costello: Who.
Abbott: The guy on first.
Costello: Who.
Abbott: The first baseman.
Costello: Who.
Abbott: The guy playing first base.
Costello: Who is on first!
Abbott: I'm asking you.
Costello: That's the man's name.
Abbott: That's whose name?
Costello: Yes.
Abbott: Well go ahead and tell me.
Costello: Who.
Abbott: The guy on first.
Costello: Who.
Abbott: The first baseman.
Costello: Who.
Abbott: The guy playing first base.
Costello: Who is on first!
Abbott: I'm asking you.
Costello: That's the man's name.
Abbott: That's whose name?
Costello: Yes.
Abbott: Well go ahead and tell me.
Costello: Who.
Abbott: The guy on first.
Costello: Who.
Abbott: The first baseman.
Costello: Who.
Abbott: The guy playing first base.
Costello: Who is on first!
Abbott: I'm asking you.
Costello: That's the man's name.
Abbott: That's whose name?
Costello: Yes.
Abbott: Well go ahead and tell me.
Costello: Who.
Abbott: The guy on first.
Costello: Who.
Abbott: The first baseman.
Costello: Who.
Abbott: The guy playing first base.
Costello: Who is on first!
Abbott: I'm asking you.
Costello: That's the man's name.
Abbott: That's whose name?
Costello: Yes.
Abbott: Well go ahead and tell me.
Costello: Who.
Abbott: The guy on first.
Costello: Who.
Abbott: The first baseman.
Costello: Who.
Abbott: The guy playing first base.
Costello: Who is on first!
Abbott: I'm asking you.
Costello: That's the man's name.
Abbott: That's whose name?
Costello: Yes.
Abbott: Well go ahead and tell me.
Costello: Who.
Abbott: The guy on first.
Costello: Who.
Abbott: The first baseman.
Costello: Who.
Abbott: The guy playing first base.
Costello: Who is on first!
Abbott: I'm asking you.
Costello: That's the man's name.
Abbott: That's whose name?
Costello: Yes.
Abbott: Well go ahead and tell me.
Costello: Who.
Abbott: The guy on first.
Costello: Who.
Abbott: The first baseman.
Costello: Who.
Abbott: The guy playing first base.
Costello: Who is on first!
Abbott: I'm asking YOU who's on first.
Costello: That's the man's name.
Abbott: That's whose name?
Costello: Yes.
Abbott: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
Costello: Every dollar of it. And why not? The man's entitled to it.
Abbott: Who is?
Costello: Yes.
Abbott: So, who gets it?
Costello: Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
Abbott: Whose wife?
Costello: Yes.
Abbott: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base?
Costello: Oh, no, no. What is on second base.
Abbott: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Costello: Who's on first.
Abbott: St. Louis has a good outfield?
Costello: Oh, absolutely.
Abbott: The left fielder's name?
Costello: Why.
Abbott: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask.
Costello: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.
Abbott: Then tell me who's playing left field?
Costello: Who's playing first.
Abbott: Stay out of the infield! The left fielder's name?
Costello: The left fielder's name?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Why.
Abbott: Because!
Costello: Oh, he's center field.
Abbott: Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on this team?
Costello: Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher?
Abbott: Tell me the pitcher's name.
Costello: Tomorrow.
Abbott: You don't want to tell me today?
Costello: I'm telling you now.
Abbott: Then go ahead.
Costello: Tomorrow.
Abbott: What time?
Costello: What time what?
Abbott: What time tomorrow are you going to tell me who's pitching?
Costello: Now listen. Who is not pitching...
Abbott: Who is on first!
Costello: I'm asking you who's on first.
Abbott: That's the man's name.
Costello: That's whose name?
Abbott: Yes.
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